GUEST BLOG: Domestic Jedi

Someone else has sent me a thing! A big thanks to the SCIENCELORD @magicdarts for the following selection of words.

Do you find yourself summoning The Force to retrieve everyday items instead of moving?

@magicdarts sent me this on Twitter.

Picture the scene: I'm at home on the sofa and something is just out of reach. Do I move? Do I hell.

I concentrate, trying to feel the Force flowing  amongst all things, even the remote and the beer bottle. I stretch out with my feelings, I will do this, I won’t just try.

If I’m feeling particularly energetic I’ll reach out with my hand and maybe even close my eyes. I can feel the remote moving, flying towards my hand like Darth Vader plucking a blaster bolt from thin air.

My eyes open...

Nothing has changed.

I sigh, and have to do things the old-fashioned way using muscles and energy and other boring non-Jedi techniques.

Do you do this? Are hokey religions and ancient weapons a match for having a beer in your hand or the ability to change channel?

More importantly, does it work?

Text to impress

When you know someone's reading what you're texting do you try to impress them?

I'm quite an open man I don't really care who knows what about my life because really there's nothing that interesting. So when I know someone's reading my texts instead of being annoyed or embarrassed I tend to put on a bit of a show for them.

For one I start using words I'd never normally use like 'combobulate' or 'umbridge' and avoid using caps WHICH I BLOODY LOVE DOING NORMALLY. If you text in caps and someone reads what you're writing it looks like you're angry and I'm not angry, I just like big letters.

I also wind up deleting what I'm writing and try to make it more interesting which, if you're someone who receives texts from me, you know I'd not normally do unless someone was reading my screen.

'I'm good thanks, how're you?' becomes 'Dude this train is combobulating through the galaxy at a million miles an hour and my brain takes umbridge at how it has to cope with how brilliant everything is. Is your life the veritable rollercoaster of commutable joy that mine is?'

Well, really, it depends on who's looking. I admit: often you're trying to impress an attractive person who you believe will fall in love with you based purely on your textual prowess. They never will though, because your textual skills are just too intimidating.

WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER DO, never ever ever ever do, is write a message to the person on the phone. That's just plain creepy. If someone's looking over your shoulder and you text 'Hi, I can see you reading this. I like your face' they are legally allowed to shoot the phone out of your hand. And then shoot you*.

 So, do you text like nobody's watching (even if they are)?

*Jallford is not a lawyer. Not even slightly. He can say OBJECTION! and point at things but then so can a monkey* and you've never seen one of them as a lawyer have you.

*Jallford is also not an expert in animals (though imagine if monkeys could talk - no wait don't, it's too frightening)