Equalists are shit

After reading this I decided to write an article about being an idiot in the past (this is not a blog revival so blog zombie hunters lower your weapons).

I was an equalist, I was also an idiot.

I was on a date with a woman a few years ago and the discussion changed to feminism. The woman was a feminist and strongly resented being discriminated against at work, as she answered phones in a hospital she was often talked down to to the point it harmed her work. I listened attentively, nodding in appropriate places, broadly agreeing, before replying with 'well I'm an equalist'.

Being an equalist should not be a bad thing, wanting people to be equal regardless of their gender should be normal. But being an equalist, like proudly proclaiming you're the smartest idiot, is a bad thing, because it dismisses actual discrimination in favour of a theoretical one and, more than this, doesn't actually help anyone.

I read this piece by Emer O'Toole which simplifies the issue perfectly in my opinion. Do you believe everyone should be equal? Yes. Do you believe women are discriminated against more in society? Yes. Then you are a feminist. In my view that's as simple as it should be.

I said I was an equalist to this woman because I was being defensive or attempting to look like I was above the issues raised. Individual cases of sexism didn't interest me because a broad, in my view perfect, future was entirely equal. Women who willingly wanted to segregate at events was as bizarre as men who refused to let women join in.

But this isn't the case. Women willingly want to segregate at these events because they are victimised and discriminated against at these events, it's not a secret cabal to overturn anyone it's a desperate measure to maintain some degree of basic comfort in an otherwise hostile environment. That's not something that should be fought in any way shape or form, especially by people who claim to support equality. You can argue these events are specific to a certain audience, but this discrimination pervades through society.

Equality will come when people are genuinely open to the idea. Women are discriminated against more than men, and until that's an accepted fact and accepted for what it is rather than taken as an attack, no progress will be made.

GUEST BLOG: Domestic Jedi

Someone else has sent me a thing! A big thanks to the SCIENCELORD @magicdarts for the following selection of words.

Do you find yourself summoning The Force to retrieve everyday items instead of moving?

@magicdarts sent me this on Twitter.

Picture the scene: I'm at home on the sofa and something is just out of reach. Do I move? Do I hell.

I concentrate, trying to feel the Force flowing  amongst all things, even the remote and the beer bottle. I stretch out with my feelings, I will do this, I won’t just try.

If I’m feeling particularly energetic I’ll reach out with my hand and maybe even close my eyes. I can feel the remote moving, flying towards my hand like Darth Vader plucking a blaster bolt from thin air.

My eyes open...

Nothing has changed.

I sigh, and have to do things the old-fashioned way using muscles and energy and other boring non-Jedi techniques.

Do you do this? Are hokey religions and ancient weapons a match for having a beer in your hand or the ability to change channel?

More importantly, does it work?

Text to impress

When you know someone's reading what you're texting do you try to impress them?

I'm quite an open man I don't really care who knows what about my life because really there's nothing that interesting. So when I know someone's reading my texts instead of being annoyed or embarrassed I tend to put on a bit of a show for them.

For one I start using words I'd never normally use like 'combobulate' or 'umbridge' and avoid using caps WHICH I BLOODY LOVE DOING NORMALLY. If you text in caps and someone reads what you're writing it looks like you're angry and I'm not angry, I just like big letters.

I also wind up deleting what I'm writing and try to make it more interesting which, if you're someone who receives texts from me, you know I'd not normally do unless someone was reading my screen.

'I'm good thanks, how're you?' becomes 'Dude this train is combobulating through the galaxy at a million miles an hour and my brain takes umbridge at how it has to cope with how brilliant everything is. Is your life the veritable rollercoaster of commutable joy that mine is?'

Well, really, it depends on who's looking. I admit: often you're trying to impress an attractive person who you believe will fall in love with you based purely on your textual prowess. They never will though, because your textual skills are just too intimidating.

WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER DO, never ever ever ever do, is write a message to the person on the phone. That's just plain creepy. If someone's looking over your shoulder and you text 'Hi, I can see you reading this. I like your face' they are legally allowed to shoot the phone out of your hand. And then shoot you*.

 So, do you text like nobody's watching (even if they are)?

*Jallford is not a lawyer. Not even slightly. He can say OBJECTION! and point at things but then so can a monkey* and you've never seen one of them as a lawyer have you.

*Jallford is also not an expert in animals (though imagine if monkeys could talk - no wait don't, it's too frightening)

Master of Darkness

Do you consider the light switch a last resort?

I don't need lights. Every single time I enter a dark room and leave without turning the light on I pat myself on the back three, maybe even four times. Preparing dinner? Grabbing snacks? Pretending to be a ninja? None of these require light. It's a personal failure if you have to flick that switch, it means cats and bats both beat you.

Also I'm saving the planet because I'm not using its precious lifeblood to compensate for my inability to find a Pepperami at midnight. I'm practically an eco-warrior.

But, as with all the best things in life, there are pros and cons to being a darklord.

PROS

• Sheer misguided pride
• Get things done slightly faster
• Easier to hide from people you don't like or question the point of
• Easier to sleep while performing mundane tasks
• Lower risk of electric shock

CONS

• Freak out anyone you live with who enters the room. 'Why are you in the dark?' '*Scowls* I DON'T NEED THE LIGHT!' (this has actually happened)
• Potential injury - but most of my posts carry that risk
• Culinary mishaps
• Eye damage
• Move slower
• More vulnerable to surprise zombie attack

Do you shy from the light?

GUEST BLOG: Commute Superstar

Do you turn every commute into a music video?

I don't do these things, but a person called Morsho (@QueenMorsh - she's not a real queen) does. If you like my words you'll probably like hers.

This is not me

I spend 2 hours a day (at least) commuting to and from work, so I listen to music on the train. I fly into a RAGE if I forget my headphones, but when I listen to music I always unwittingly end up pretending I am in a music video.  

Sometimes it's quite subtle, I’ll listen to the song and move my head to look up and down the carriage in time to the drum beat, or cross and uncross my legs in time to the music. Sometimes I'll wait until a line of a song says something along the lines of “the first time I saw you” and then glance up and stare intensely at the nearest man, pretending that we are both in a music video and the song is about us. That tends to get me a few weird looks and restraining orders though.  

I have been known to pause a song on my iPod because I am about to get off the train and the song I am listening to is the perfect song to accompany my walk to the next platform. One of my favourites is Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz when you are walking from the Bakerloo Line to the Central line at Oxford Circus – the guitar riff at the beginning is perfect for a purposeful Britain’s Next Top Model style walk down the long corridor at the bottom of the stairs.  If the song is started the minute you step off the train, you can even fit in a glance left and right and then a full pelt model strut towards the stairs that perfectly fits in time with the music.  

I also HATE it when there's a break in the song when you're walking downstairs, but the song starts up again before you've reached the bottom. I've legged it downstairs before just so the music doesn’t beat me.

Do you own the secret imaginary-commute-dance scene?

(Incidentally if you do things and want to know if other people do them send an e-mail to doyoudothis@gmail.com or buzz (not sure what that verb means in this context) me on Twitter @jallford)

More to follow from Morsho later!

Bus loyalty

Is every movement you make an inevitable betrayal of every passenger around you?

The perfect bus experience is getting the slightly raised chair, not sitting next to anyone and staring wistfully out the window like you're in a terrible movie that no one would watch.

The reality is often your favourite chair is taken and you're forced to sit next to someone ugly or foolish.

If I sit next to someone I will want to bail as soon as possible, but in a way that makes it look like I did it for practical, rather than personal, reasons. It's very hard to convey this message in a movement, so my solution is simple: do it fast. Just run, don't give them time to think or be offended.

There are times when you freeze in your chair out of 'bus loyalty', that is if you move you feel you will break the status quo. I've seen whole buses frozen by cold because no one stood up to close a window, and the person next to it didn't even know it was open. Why? Bus loyalty. As soon as you stand up the bus world is SHAKEN, everyone's disturbed, it's like you're steamrolling through a jungle.

You have exactly 2 minutes after sitting down to stand up again, after that point if you stand up when the bus hasn't stopped you are some kind of maverick who might kill someone or everyone or ask for money or start dancing and no one wants that, not at 7 in the morning.

Where do your loyalties lie?

Safe word

Do you make a noise when you're in pain?

When I was young I did karate (I was a Karate Kid, HYUH!) and when you did a second punch the instructor said you had to make a sound to 'release your energy'. Most people made the following sounds:
'HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!'
'HOOOOOOO!'
'HAAAaaauuuuh!'
When it came to me I made the following sound:
''
And I was promptly told to 'SHOUT!!' so I said the following:
'Haaa...'
Instructor was not impressed. But then I beat his favourite pupil in a spar and I didn't even have to make sounds like a baying gorilla to do it.

I don't know why people make noises and this especially applies to pain. If I get hurt, hit or burnt I don't swear, make a sound or do anything. Am I an invincible juggernaut? As far as you know yes (no), but how does saying useless words or grunts help relieve the pain or express it? I normally REFLEX MODE to get out of the way or hiss to myself but that's it, there's no time to think to say words!

All it does is draw attention to you and, say you've just hit your head on a door that you were shutting which I totally didn't do yesterday, the last thing you want is for people to notice by shouting loudly as if to say 'LOOK AT ME, LOOK HOW FOOLISH I'VE BEEN'.

I've never had my arm cut off or been attacked by facemelting acid and maybe then I would make a sound. Up to now though? Nothing. I am the silent pain man.  I can only hope someone somewhere finds that arousing.

So do you shout when you twist?