Cool walker

Do you walk properly?

It's sunny which means people go outside. I too sometimes go outside and when I go outside I normally travel by walking, it just seems to work out that way.

But I don't really walk properly. If I had it my way (and I rarely do) arm movement would not be necessary while walking, nor would having to bounce around or move your shoulders in any way whatsoever.

Now hear me out: I know it looks weird when people do this. I've seen people do it and think 'dude, you are walking weird'. But it's my natural way of walking! The arms don't move unless they have to. Why would they? It's the legs doing all the work.

So I morph into 'cool walk', which is, I plan every single step and have to make my arms move even though they don't want to and I don't really want them to either. I also walk quickly which means if my arms don't keep up with my legs again it all looks horrific so either I start flailing my arms around frantically or look a bit like a robot.

So do you walk this way? Talk this way.

Bag Hercules

Do you have the power of a whole hand in your finger?

Carrier bags are weird, wonderful and useful things. They are also a test of strength. When you go shopping and you come back carrying 3 bags, that's sort of the normal amount. 4 bags and you're pushing it. 5? 5 and the handles will be killing your fingers.

And that's really the test of carrier bags: the handles dig into your fingers like some crazy torture device supermarkets dreamed up to punish you for trying to live. Bag for life? No one has those.

But when you carry carrier bags how do you carry them? Most people I know carry them with all their fingers but these people are foolish and, most probably, weak.

I carry them with two fingers and when those two fingers get sliced up I alternate to another two fingers, eventually swapping hands to whichever group of bags weighs the least. Because I'm lazy I equate it with weight lifting, only you're lifting weights with your fingers because you're just that strong.

I also have excellent bag control, being able to twirl bags in and out of obstacles like a modern day ninja probably would if he went shopping and people kept getting in his way but he wasn't allowed to kill them.

So do you have excellent bag control, or is it just me?

Ultimate road crosser

Crossing a road is the battlefield of kings and queens

As a pedestrian your abilities are rarely tested. You are the weakest member of the transport world, you can be beaten by train, car, bike and even unicycle. Except when it comes to the road cross.

I've spent a fair amount of time in London and in London pedestrians do not know fear. The green man is a lie: the green man is when fools cross, YOU cross ages before the green man even thinks of appearing. In fact if you wait for the green man you've already lost.

No one says it, I bet even fewer people actually know it, but if you cross the road first and don't die you are the best. Here in Cambridge people are terrified of roads and will always wait for the green man - there's almost no challenge. People look at you in awe as you slide to the front and cross what is often a tiny road with a speed limt of 20mph.

Back in London you have to fight your way to the front because all the people will be too slow, then when you, as an expert, have decreed it safe you walk and the people behind you will follow.

I'm not saying be reckless, in fact if you get run over you lose harder than if you waited for the green man. The ultimate road crosser is a person of judgement, but a person who acts fast, who lives in the now, who isn't led in life by buttons, noises and green men.

I'm an ultimate road crosser (just noticed that rhymes with tosser). Are you?

Bus maverick

Are you immune to gravity when on a bus?

I know I'm not the only one who does this because I've seen others of my kind in the wild. Daredevils, loose cannons, renegades: bus surfers.

You see the railings on a bus aren't necessary, those of us skilled in the art of balance can use the momentum of a stopping bus to propel us forward just the right amount.

What is just the right amount? Fast enough so you don't get stuck in the aisle but not so fast you go hurtling into the old lady in front of you.

You are a bus maverick if you:
1) Stand up before the bus has come to a stop or even started to slow down
2) Do NOT hold on to any railings whatsoever
3) Manage to thank the driver despite moving at breakneck speed

There is a maverick greater than I and that is the upstairs maverick. Balance enters a whole new scary world on the upstairs of a bus.

So do you do this?

(NOTE: I do not advocate bus surfing if you've not done it before. Despite what you've just read it's immensely stupid and I only do it out of habit. Also I should add literally no one is impressed by this and an elderly gentleman once tutted at me for doing it)