Do you make a noise when you're in pain?
When I was young I did karate (I was a Karate Kid, HYUH!) and when you did a second punch the instructor said you had to make a sound to 'release your energy'. Most people made the following sounds:
'HYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!'
'HOOOOOOO!'
'HAAAaaauuuuh!'
When it came to me I made the following sound:
''
And I was promptly told to 'SHOUT!!' so I said the following:
'Haaa...'
Instructor was not impressed. But then I beat his favourite pupil in a spar and I didn't even have to make sounds like a baying gorilla to do it.
I don't know why people make noises and this especially applies to pain. If I get hurt, hit or burnt I don't swear, make a sound or do anything. Am I an invincible juggernaut? As far as you know yes (no), but how does saying useless words or grunts help relieve the pain or express it? I normally REFLEX MODE to get out of the way or hiss to myself but that's it, there's no time to think to say words!
All it does is draw attention to you and, say you've just hit your head on a door that you were shutting which I totally didn't do yesterday, the last thing you want is for people to notice by shouting loudly as if to say 'LOOK AT ME, LOOK HOW FOOLISH I'VE BEEN'.
I've never had my arm cut off or been attacked by facemelting acid and maybe then I would make a sound. Up to now though? Nothing. I am the silent pain man. I can only hope someone somewhere finds that arousing.
So do you shout when you twist?
Friday, 29 June 2012
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Never been less like a statue
Do you have difficulty standing still?
I don't mean you're a hyperactive gitchild who, when told to stand still, freaks out and starts kicking everyone. I mean more like, you're standing there, but you're doing everything possible to not just be standing there.
For me this sense comes from the fact I look a bit suspicious, and if I'm just standing there doing nothing I look even more suspicious. No I'm not about to maul your child, I'm just waiting for a friend.
So what happens?
I KNOW, PHONE!
I don't get texts, so when I take out my phone it's either to look at the time or pretend I have texts. Now you can whip out your phone, but there's an etiquette to fake-phone using. You can't stare at your phone slack jawed you have to be doing something, so you hit buttons but which buttons? You don't want to call someone by accident or you'll have to talk to them and I don't know if you've met my friends but I don't want to talk to them.
So instead you flip through bizarre phone functions you never knew you had like a useless calendar system or memos. Maybe you'll change your phone background to a picture of a flower or something I don't know.
Anyway the phone can only last so long otherwise people will twig on that you're fake phoning so we then...
LOOK AROUND
Looking around without coming across like a psycho is difficult if you're standing still, alone, in plain sight of everyone. You can't rotate your head sideways like a turret, but if you move your whole body it looks like a terrifying dance.
What I do here is probably the worst way to handle this: I rotate my whole body one way, then rotate it the other way. My arms normally swing with me, aimlessly. At this point I usually get a weird look, and what do you do then?
LOOK UP OR DOWN
Looking up or down while in public is the stupidest thing you could ever do, especially while standing still. You look like you're on drugs if you look up at nothing (unless you're looking at what someone else is looking at, to judge if they're on drugs), and if you look down you look petrified of the world.
But there's no choice if someone's cornered your gaze and you're standing there. So you look down slightly as if you've seen the most interesting thing in the world slightly below them and then you look away and the situation is disarmed.
Well that's nice, so now you can...
SHUFFLE UNEASILY
At this point you're busted: or at least paranoia and awkwardness have taken over and you think you're busted. Either way at this point your body is moving of its own volition and you're rocking backwards and forwards and while you probably don't think it's that weird it looks very, very weird.
You don't look like a zombie, but it's the sort of thing a zombie would do in its more docile, aimless moments. You're somewhat stuck at this stage. You have one option and really it's something else a zombie would do at this stage too.
WANDER AIMLESSLY
There are shops and signs which, while normally irrelevant to your life, are now the most fascinating things in existence. You need to stay within view of where you said you'd stay, but that could mean anything. You have essentially at this point given up standing still.
At this stage I will half-examine any piece of literature, signage or advert around me. If I wander into a shop (god help you if you do) I will realise I don't want to spend any money, but will continue scanning products that I don't want or need, whilst trying to convince any shop attendants that yes, I will eventually make a purchase and am not, simply, an idiot occupying space or a criminal mastermind hoping to steal a million Wispas.
I reckon this is a long shot but, well, do you do this?
I don't mean you're a hyperactive gitchild who, when told to stand still, freaks out and starts kicking everyone. I mean more like, you're standing there, but you're doing everything possible to not just be standing there.
For me this sense comes from the fact I look a bit suspicious, and if I'm just standing there doing nothing I look even more suspicious. No I'm not about to maul your child, I'm just waiting for a friend.
So what happens?
I KNOW, PHONE!
I don't get texts, so when I take out my phone it's either to look at the time or pretend I have texts. Now you can whip out your phone, but there's an etiquette to fake-phone using. You can't stare at your phone slack jawed you have to be doing something, so you hit buttons but which buttons? You don't want to call someone by accident or you'll have to talk to them and I don't know if you've met my friends but I don't want to talk to them.
So instead you flip through bizarre phone functions you never knew you had like a useless calendar system or memos. Maybe you'll change your phone background to a picture of a flower or something I don't know.
Anyway the phone can only last so long otherwise people will twig on that you're fake phoning so we then...
LOOK AROUND
Looking around without coming across like a psycho is difficult if you're standing still, alone, in plain sight of everyone. You can't rotate your head sideways like a turret, but if you move your whole body it looks like a terrifying dance.
What I do here is probably the worst way to handle this: I rotate my whole body one way, then rotate it the other way. My arms normally swing with me, aimlessly. At this point I usually get a weird look, and what do you do then?
LOOK UP OR DOWN
Looking up or down while in public is the stupidest thing you could ever do, especially while standing still. You look like you're on drugs if you look up at nothing (unless you're looking at what someone else is looking at, to judge if they're on drugs), and if you look down you look petrified of the world.
But there's no choice if someone's cornered your gaze and you're standing there. So you look down slightly as if you've seen the most interesting thing in the world slightly below them and then you look away and the situation is disarmed.
Well that's nice, so now you can...
SHUFFLE UNEASILY
At this point you're busted: or at least paranoia and awkwardness have taken over and you think you're busted. Either way at this point your body is moving of its own volition and you're rocking backwards and forwards and while you probably don't think it's that weird it looks very, very weird.
You don't look like a zombie, but it's the sort of thing a zombie would do in its more docile, aimless moments. You're somewhat stuck at this stage. You have one option and really it's something else a zombie would do at this stage too.
WANDER AIMLESSLY
There are shops and signs which, while normally irrelevant to your life, are now the most fascinating things in existence. You need to stay within view of where you said you'd stay, but that could mean anything. You have essentially at this point given up standing still.
At this stage I will half-examine any piece of literature, signage or advert around me. If I wander into a shop (god help you if you do) I will realise I don't want to spend any money, but will continue scanning products that I don't want or need, whilst trying to convince any shop attendants that yes, I will eventually make a purchase and am not, simply, an idiot occupying space or a criminal mastermind hoping to steal a million Wispas.
I reckon this is a long shot but, well, do you do this?
Friday, 8 June 2012
Two step Tommy
Do you take two, perhaps even four stairs at a time?
I can't go up stairs one at a time anymore. Even if I'm carrying heavy suitcases or a koala or something I shouldn't be carrying I have to go up two at a time. The one exception to this rule? When I'm with a group of slow ass mofos.
Walking as a group is generally quite stressful for me because I can't hear people very well and I naturally want to zoom ahead whereas they walk slow because 'that's how people walk'. Then you get to stairs: you can't talk on stairs, and it's very hard to keep to any formation. I end up behind or in front.
IF you zoom off on the stairs you end up having to turn around and then it's just goddamn awkward really isn't it? You look like some kind of crazy stair maverick.
So I slow right down and seriously almost lose my balance: I'm just not used to it. How the hell can you go so slow? Even going downstairs I go two at a time.
So how about you? Are you a slow ass mofo? If you are, you're probably less likely to to fall down stairs and die, which is good I guess.
I can't go up stairs one at a time anymore. Even if I'm carrying heavy suitcases or a koala or something I shouldn't be carrying I have to go up two at a time. The one exception to this rule? When I'm with a group of slow ass mofos.
Walking as a group is generally quite stressful for me because I can't hear people very well and I naturally want to zoom ahead whereas they walk slow because 'that's how people walk'. Then you get to stairs: you can't talk on stairs, and it's very hard to keep to any formation. I end up behind or in front.
IF you zoom off on the stairs you end up having to turn around and then it's just goddamn awkward really isn't it? You look like some kind of crazy stair maverick.
So I slow right down and seriously almost lose my balance: I'm just not used to it. How the hell can you go so slow? Even going downstairs I go two at a time.
So how about you? Are you a slow ass mofo? If you are, you're probably less likely to to fall down stairs and die, which is good I guess.
Friday, 1 June 2012
Washing up with MAGIC
Is everything magically clean when you wash up?
For some reason even though I'll wash my hands after touching someone or even looking at something dirty, when it comes to washing up I assume bacteria don't exist.
I pretty much rub a sponge across stuff, using liquid that I'm not even really sure what the hell it does, and then as long as there's no marks I slam it in a cupboard and leave it. I assume this ritual will destroy all bacteria ever and go on my merry way.
During this process I'll leave dishes on dirty cabinets, not clean things properly, wash with clearly dirty sponges and yet, despite all this, I remain reasonably confident that everything is clean. Even though I know it isn't.
The one thing that is never clean? The bottom of the sink. Even though it's probably no worse than the sponge, the bottom of the sink is germ hell where every bad thing ever lives and if your dish touches that then by sweet jebus you better throw that dish away before it infects your brain and or soul.
So do you do this? Part of me hopes you don't.
For some reason even though I'll wash my hands after touching someone or even looking at something dirty, when it comes to washing up I assume bacteria don't exist.
I pretty much rub a sponge across stuff, using liquid that I'm not even really sure what the hell it does, and then as long as there's no marks I slam it in a cupboard and leave it. I assume this ritual will destroy all bacteria ever and go on my merry way.
During this process I'll leave dishes on dirty cabinets, not clean things properly, wash with clearly dirty sponges and yet, despite all this, I remain reasonably confident that everything is clean. Even though I know it isn't.
The one thing that is never clean? The bottom of the sink. Even though it's probably no worse than the sponge, the bottom of the sink is germ hell where every bad thing ever lives and if your dish touches that then by sweet jebus you better throw that dish away before it infects your brain and or soul.
So do you do this? Part of me hopes you don't.
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